


Feels Like We Only Go Backwards

by LokiObsessionwithasideofStucky, pvnicing



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Endgame fix it, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Shrunkyclunks, Steve’s not only America's ass but also America's biggest idiot, Stucky Fix It, Time Travel Fix-It, all the other avengers make a cameo, idiots to lovers, might add more tags as this progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:12:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiObsessionwithasideofStucky/pseuds/LokiObsessionwithasideofStucky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pvnicing/pseuds/pvnicing
Summary: Bucky had always know he liked Steve a little too much, he never said anything and Steve went back to live with Peggy after the snap. They’d passed the end of the line and Bucky hadn’t even seen it coming. But he guessed that this is how it was always supposed to be. Except it wasn't and it wasn’t until it was too late that Bucky realized something had to be done.Basically, how Bucky does the impossible to get his happy ending.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This was co-written with the amazing @pvnicing.  
> We couldn't stop thinking about that Steve ending in endgame so we decided to write this fix it fic! Hopefully you guys will enjoy it!

Bucky wasn’t exactly sure what had happened as he made his way back home. He’d known what Steve was going to do but he was still not able to process this whole thing and how it had just fucked up his entire life - or rather how Steve had just fucked up his entire life. Just like that.

As he reached the front door, he had already relived these five horrible seconds about a hundred times. These five seconds in which he had been standing there, staring at that god-awful machine, hoping so desperately that his best friend might change his mind. They had felt like 5 hours. The second the moment had passed; his heart had dropped into his stomach where it would stay for the next few weeks.

Bucky could slap himself for having been naive enough to think that after they both survived the battle; they could finally go back to how things were before all of this shit had gone down. He was such an idiot.

 

The next couple of weeks were mostly uneventful. He didn’t break down crying once which was something, but that was mostly due to the fact that he hadn’t tried to see Steve at all yet. He knew he should, and he also knew Steve wanted him to but seeing him like that would make the whole thing real and Bucky just wasn’t ready for that. Sam had been over a handful of times, telling him about all of the things that he and Steve had been talking about, always ending his stories with something like “You should come with me next time” or “He asked about you again” but Bucky always managed to have a list of excuses at hand because it had been four months until he received the email and he still hadn’t visited his best friend once after that day in the woods.

 

Bucky had been sitting at the kitchen table, checking his emails absentmindedly when he saw it. It was captioned  _“I want to see you again”_ and it read exactly like it was written by a 100 something year old who had first been confronted with technology in his 20’s and then was ripped from it for 70 years. Bucky almost smiled at that.

 

_To: Bucky Barnes <BuckoThePlum@gmail.com> _  
_From: Steve Rogers <ActualAmericasAss@Gmail.com> _  
_  
_ Hey Buck,

  
_How the times have changed; electronic letters are a thing again. I never thought I would miss the internet but I’m glad I’m back in the modern world. I have to say stuff like “The world was better back then” because I’m officially an old man now but the decades without google were no fun. I kept forgetting it wasn’t a thing yet and constantly tried to look stuff up. Peggy was always so confused; you would have laughed. I also tried to look up the date of something that hadn’t actually happened yet. That happened to me at least two times. Imagine how it went after I was looking for the JFK’s assassination theories… in 1957. Peggy thought I was losing my mind. I could almost see you making fun of me as I tried to explain it to Peggy afterwards._ _  
_ Well, I’m getting off track, so I’ll get to the point: How have you been? I have not heard from you in so long. Not since before I left. Sam has told me some things about you but it’s not the same. I want to see you. I know you have been busy so I’m just asking you to come by whenever you can. I hope you’re alright.

_I miss you._  
  
_Your old pal,_ _  
_ Steve.

 

Bucky had been busy. That technically wasn’t a lie. There was stuff going on with the Avengers that was just too much for Bucky’s taste.

He had pretty much passed out for a few days straight after Thanos’ army was defeated, until Bruce called him in, talking about some big decision and how they needed him. Bucky didn’t feel needed, but he followed him, nonetheless.

 

Neither of them had talked as their car left the city, driving towards the new temporary headquarters. Now that Tony and the Avengers facility was gone, Bucky wondered where they were all staying.

 

It turned out to be nothing more than a rented warehouse that had been turned into somewhat of a studio. There was a makeshift kitchen and a bathroom. Some of Bruce’s equipment was scattered around the building.

 

The Avengers were sitting around a machine Bucky recognized immediately. Hatred shot through his veins.

 

Bruce looked at him with furrowed brows. “So, this is what’s been going on for a while now. We’re not sure what to do. We can’t seem to agree on anything.” He shrugged. “But what else is new?”

 

Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off the time machine. He didn’t know why they needed him there.  _It took Steve away._ Bucky didn’t want to have to look at it. He joined the others anyway. He spotted the kid crouched against the wall, hugging his knees. He had the hood of his sweater pulled up. Bucky couldn’t see his face. He sat down next to him.

 

“Hey.”

 

Peter looked up at him and Bucky could see the dark shadows under his reddened eyes. “Hi.”

 

He didn’t really know what to say so he decided that they might as well both just sit there, mourning. He hoped that maybe the kid could find some comfort in his presence.  _Should he put an arm around him? Probably not._ He looked around, searching the room. Steve wasn’t there. Neither were the Guardians, Thor or Carol Danvers. Other than that, everyone seemed to be in attendance. Bucky figured that this must be a big deal then. Especially considering that they bothered to get him there as well.

 

They were arguing now, and Bucky started listening to see what was actually going on.

 

“It’s dangerous,” the sorcerer guy said. Stephen. Bucky only remembered his name because it was so similar to Steve’s. He’d raised his voice, acting like he was a huge deal or something. Maybe he was, Bucky didn’t really know.

 

Bruce Banner stepped forward, facing him. “It’s revolutionary.”

 

“Do you not realize that this right here could wipe us all out?” Strange looked around the room. “I don’t think any of us were especially thrilled the last time that happened.” He looked down on Bruce, asserting his dominance. He reminded Bucky a lot of Stark.

 

Rhodey walked over from where he had been sitting at the kitchen counter. “I will not stand here and let you destroy the last and best thing Tony ever did for us. This is not up for you all to decide. It’s his creation.”

 

“Well, he’s not here, is he?” Bucky didn’t really know Strange, but he couldn’t say that he liked him very much.

 

Bruce spoke up again: “Do you know how long scientists have tried to make this work? Even if we’d decide to throw it down the garbage disposal, the public would never let that happen.”

 

“They don’t know we still have it.” The voice was coming from somewhere behind Bucky. He turned around. Clint was standing in the back, hands buried inside his pockets. The bags under his eyes were at least as dark as Peter’s.

 

Sam nodded. He walked over and sat down next to Bucky. “There’s nothing they can do if we tell them it went up in flames during the battle. I mean two out of three time machines did get blown up.”

 

“Why don’t we just hand it over to the authorities?” That was a suggestion Bucky didn’t like one bit. Steve wouldn’t either, he thought. It was coming from Ant-Man. Seth? Sean? Scott? He was really bad with names these days.

 

“Weren’t you a criminal, tic tac?” Sam asked. Ant-Man just glared at him for a second before he decided to ignore the comment.

 

“Yeah, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” Clint said. “We can’t just give them a goddamn time machine. Are you crazy?” Bucky agreed.

 

“I don’t think Tony would want you to either.” Pepper spoke up, she was standing at one side of the room. Bucky hadn’t even noticed her before.

 

“You knew him best,” Stephen admitted. His voice had dropped in sympathy.

 

Pepper looked down at her hands, fiddling with her wedding ring. “Peter, what do you say?”

 

Peter looked up in surprise. He looked all confused. “I - I uh, I don’t know,” he stuttered. “I mean, he wouldn’t have made it if he thought it couldn’t do good, right?” He looked down again, obviously overwhelmed by the situation. “I mean, who knows, maybe something bad happens again and we’ll need it?”

 

“I’m with the kid on that one,” Rhodey said and pointed over to Peter.

 

“We’re no gods,” T’Challa stated. “We can’t just change history whenever we feel like it. And if something similar ever happens again then I’m sure my sister could come up with something.” Having met Shuri, Bucky was pretty sure that that was true. There was nothing that kid couldn’t do, she was a genius. T’Challa pointed to the time machine. “This right here can’t be our only option. All we know is that right now, it’s too dangerous to just have it lying around in this unprotected warehouse. This place is not safe and there’s no way we can get it to Wakanda.”

 

Nobody spoke for a while.

 

“Let’s vote,” Clint said, finally.

 

“That’s not really fair, is it?” Wanda asked, arms crossed over her uniform.

 

“What else do you want us to do?” There was no answer. “I say we vote.”

 

It was a tie. Strange, Pepper, Clint, Sam and T’Challa all voted for having the machine destroyed. No surprises there, they all had their reasons. Pepper guessed that if the government ever got their hands on the machine Tony would probably come back to bring hell on them.

 

Peter, Wanda, Bruce, Rhodey and Scott voted against it.

 

Bucky knew that he was going to be the deciding vote if there wasn't anyone else showing up anytime soon.  _Fuck._ They looked at him, waiting for him to make the decision. “Sorry guys,” He thought for a second, “But I don’t know.”

 

“We have to talk to the ones who can’t be here today still. Your decision won’t make this final,” T’Challa explained. “Still, it would be good to know where we stand.”

 

Bucky thought about it for a while. He wasn’t really sure about all this. He liked knowing that there was still an opportunity to change what had happened, though he doubted anyone would let him. Besides, it’s not like he really knew exactly what he would do if he could. And he agreed with T’Challa: Having the time machine lying around was incredibly dangerous. Sure, it would be locked away as well as it could, but Bucky knew damn well that, if someone was determined enough, there was always a way to get to it. And without Steve or Tony there, getting to the machine would be way easier.

 

“Well then, I say we get rid of it.”

 

Bucky looked at the email again, his metal hand gripping his phone tight. After reading Steve’s message, Bucky couldn’t not go. He had been fine avoiding him for weeks now, keeping himself busy and not letting his absence get to him. But then Steve had to go ahead and tell him how much he missed him.  _Missed him?_ Bucky thought it was really ironic, given the fact that Steve was the one who’d decided to leave in the first place. He wanted to be mad, but truth be told, he missed him too. So much. He missed talking to Steve about anything and everything; he missed listening to him talk about some crazy new thing he found on the internet or the angry rants when he found out how much the most basic things could cost. He missed his best friend and he knew he couldn’t really stay away any longer.  
  
“Damn you, Steve.” He muttered with the ghost of a smile.  
  
Bucky put on a jacket and a glove to hide his arm before he headed to the subway. He got lost in his thoughts during the whole trip to Steve’s house, thinking about what he should say. What was there even to say? Before he realised it, he was waking up the steps to his door and ringing the bell.  
  
Bucky heard an old man yell inside the house. “Who is it?” He recognized Steve’s voice and it sent shivers down his back.  
  
“Uh....”  _You can do this,_ he told himself, _you gotta see him._ “It’s me, you punk! Open up!” he yelled back.  
  
“Bucky?” He could see movement through the stained-glass door before Steve opened the door.  
  
Bucky was not prepared for this. Sure, he knew Steve was old, he saw him when he returned that day in the woods, yet he was not prepared to see the man he cared about so much having grown old without him.  
  
Since the 30’s Bucky knew he would never grow old  _with_ Steve. That just wasn’t possible. Not back then. He’d always known he liked him a little too much but there was no way he could say anything back in the 1940’s, so he never did. He had even tried to get Steve to go on some dates. He had planned it all out. They would eventually marry nice girls. They would have children that would go on playdates every Saturday. And Bucky and Steve would see each other for lunch or drinks whenever their boring desk jobs would allow them to.  
  
Then the war happened and it complicated things,  _a lot._ He had to leave Steve as he joined the 107th. Before he knew it, he was falling off the train. Though all he can remember now of that day is Steve’s pained face as he screamed his name. He’d known it was his end. But it wasn’t, unfortunately. He became the Winter Soldier, a trained assassin, destined to kill everyone standing in the way of Hydra. He honest to god would rather have died. Then, when he eventually became himself again, he still had Steve. Even after all this time. And he could never have gone through all of this without him. Steve was his miracle. Steve was his anchor.  
  
It was after what the people have been calling the  _Civil War_ that Bucky truly started thinking that maybe, things could be different for them this time. Steve and he could have a life together. After all, the world has changed. He’s discovered smartphones and computers and  _the internet;_ but it was when he saw these two guys at the subway that he realised how much time had passed. Bucky hadn’t been able to look away as they held each other, not caring if anyone saw, swinging softly to the music that was playing somewhere far away.

 

But Steve was on the run so he couldn’t say anything. Besides, Bucky didn’t actually think Steve would be interested after all.  
  
Then the whole Thanos thing went down. He still didn’t really understand what had happened and the others didn’t like talking about it. They kept calling it  _The Incident._ He told himself after this was all over, he would finally be able to relax. Wrapped up in blankets with Steve at his side. He just wanted to grow old with him.    
  
But the snap changed everything. After he came back, thinking that maybe this was their chance to have something real, Steve had his own plans and Bucky knew that that was it.  
  
But even though he knew, he was not prepared to see Steve’s face all wrinkled and his hair gone white. He wasn’t expecting Steve’s slightly hunched posture or the wedding band around his finger. It made him physically sick.  
  
It was only now that Bucky snapped back from his train wreck of thoughts to reality. He noticed he was staring at Steve and hadn’t said anything for a good twenty seconds.  
  
“Buck?” Steve said again.  
  
Bucky gulped and buried his thoughts. “Hey punk, it's been a long time, hasn’t it?” He tried to sound casual.  
  
“It has,” Steve said softly. “Jerk. What are you doing here?” He looked at Bucky with a warm gaze. Bucky could tell that he was surprised to see him. He was old but he must have realised that Bucky had been avoiding him. He probably thought he would never see him again. Bucky thought that that would have probably been fine.

  
“Sorry I didn’t call ahead, if you’re busy-”  
  
“Nonsense, Buck! You are always welcome.” Steve couldn’t stop himself as he went for a hug, catching Bucky off guard. Steve stepped back and gestured for them to go inside. “Come on in, we have a lot to catch up on,” he said and smiled.

  
Bucky smiled back. Steve still had that same smile he’s had since the thirties. He loved that smile.  
  
His house was big but still laid back in a very classy way. It was not the house of a man who used to be Captain America, but it was the kind of house Bucky knew Steve would have one day. The big leather couch looked about thirty years old and so did the piano that was standing in the back of the room. It at looked really homely. Bucky was kind of glad Steve could have a house like this. Bucky probably never would. He could feel the memories he and his family must’ve made in this house. He knew there had been Peggy but knowing Steve, there almost certainly were kids as well. Sam knew Bucky didn’t really want to know all about that, so he never brought it up. He took a deep breath and walked inside, following Steve to the couch.

 

Bucky watched him for a while, studying his features. He still looked like Steve, but Bucky could tell that he wasn’t. Not really. Too much time had passed. The guy sitting in front of Bucky seemed like a caricature of the boy he grew up with. It was clear to him that his Steve was long gone.

 

“You look just like I remember,” Steve said. This was so ironic.

 

“Yeah. You don’t.”

 

“I guess not.” Steve started laughing but it quickly turned into a cough.

 

No one said anything for a while. Bucky didn’t really know what they were supposed to talk about. His eyes flickered over to the piano. He hadn’t played in so long.

 

“Go on.” Steve encouraged him.

 

“Uh no, that’s okay.”

 

“Please, Buck,” he said, putting a wrinkly hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “For me?”

 

Bucky looked at him for a while. He wanted to decline but it really had been  _so long._ He had started playing back when he was still trying to impress girls. He’d never had any real talent and would’ve quit early on if Steve hadn’t liked it so much. Bucky would play for him when he’d gotten sick.  He knew the perfect songs to cheer him up when his ma was struggling to pay the bills and he was feeling useless; he knew songs that made him forget about their struggles and songs that could help him fall asleep when the pain wouldn’t let him.

 

“Did Peggy play?” He didn’t really know why he was asking. He wanted to be sure that she had been good to him but it’s not like he really still needed someone to play to him.

 

“Sometimes.”

 

Bucky settled on the bench, letting his fingers hover over the keys, searching for a song to play. As the music began to flow from his hands into the keys, filling up the room, he started to feel like he was floating. He didn’t know how he remembered the notes; he just did. Even after all these years. His mind went blank; no one could hurt him when he was playing. Not Steve, not Hydra, not even his own thoughts. He could go hours like this. His eyes were closed.  _Maybe,_ he thought,  _when I open them again, we’ll be back home. And we’ll be okay._ When the song came to an end, he wanted to keep them closed.

 

He wasn’t home. And he wasn’t okay.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! The new chapter is finally up!  
> Hope you guys enjoy this one!

It had been weeks after Bucky had shown up at Steve’s house. He hadn’t seen him since. He couldn’t, it was just too painful. He was perfectly fine pretending like none of this had happened. They had talked but the only thing going through Bucky’s head was how old his friend had gotten. His mind kept focusing on the coughs, the slow walks and the slightly trembling hands. To be fair, he wasn’t doing so bad for a 186 year old man but that didn’t really matter. He just wasn’t his Steve. Not anymore. 

 

Bucky was currently sitting on his couch, a bag of chips in his lap, as he watched some teen show that was on TV as he heard a knock on his door. 

 

Chips in hand, Bucky stood up and lazily walked over to the door and peeked outside to see who it was. He glanced over to the table where he kept one of his knives. He didn’t keep them on him at all times anymore, which was progress. He knew the man standing on the other side of his door was no threat but after all those years as the Winter Soldier, being too careful was something he had yet to figure out how to shake off. 

 

Bucky knew what Sam was going to say the second he opened the door.

 

“He’s gone,” was all his friend said as they stood face to face. 

 

Bucky just nodded, stepping aside to let him in. They sat down at the kitchen table. Sam was watching him like he didn’t know what to say. Bucky didn’t either.

 

Minutes passed and neither of said a word. Bucky kept his head down, staring intensely at the fruit bowl like it was the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. 

 

After a while Sam cleared his throat and started talking.  “Bucky, uh… I know this is probably too soon but Steve asked me to give you this before… before he passed.” Sam reached into his jacket and took out a piece of paper. As he put it down on the table, Bucky could see it was a letter. It was faded, probably a couple decades old. Sam looked at Bucky for  a while, trying to make out a reaction. After working at the VA he knew grief too well and he knew that even if Bucky didn't show it, he was mourning Steve, and for the second time this year. “You don’t have to read it now, or at all if you don’t want to. He just really wanted you to have it. I was with him when he… He gave it to me just before - well, you know.” 

 

Bucky didn’t respond, simply reaching for the letter and putting in in his pocket. 

 

“Uh. Yeah, okay,” Sam muttered, shifting around on his chair uncomfortably. “I guess I’m gonna leave you alone now.” Bucky didn’t respond. He didn’t know whether he wanted Sam to stay or not. “Okay.”

 

Bucky just sat there for a while after his friend left. Sam probably thought he was in shock or something. Bucky didn’t know if he was. He knew what he should be feeling: Grief, Anger, Pain… But truth be told, he wasn’t feeling much at all. He lost Steve and Bucky knew that was true but it didn’t feel like he lost him today at all. He’d lost him the second he stepped onto that platform and disappeared. The man that had returned was someone entirely different. The man that had died today was not Steve and it didn’t feel like he just lost a loved one. He just lost someone. It was confusing.

 

He pulled out the letter. He couldn’t bring himself to opening it, so he just stared at it for a while. It was Steve’s letter to him. Steve who was now dead. Steve who said that they were always going to be there for each other. Steve who’d left him behind. He was gone. And he was gone for good. Steve left even though he promised to stay by his side forever. _Till the end of the line._ Clearly. 

 

He put down the letter, grabbed a drink and paced around his apartment for awhile. He sat down, stared at the letter some more, then got up again and proceeded to do anything that didn’t have to do with dealing with whatever this was. He did some laundry, had a nice conversation with his favourite neighbour Mrs. Reynolds in the hallway, had another drink and decided to finally look for that pair of sunglasses he’d lost a couple weeks ago. He threw the couch cushions on the ground, hoping that they somehow ended up underneath but he couldn’t find anything besides some cash and a crazy amount of popcorn. He sank down onto the couch, staring at the cushions. Memories rushed back to him. Memories from before he joined the army. Steve and him, making makeshift beds out of pillows so Bucky could stay by Steve’s side during rough nights. He remembered being so uncomfortable that he had a hard time falling asleep. He’d spent nights watching Steve sleep, feeling good knowing he was safe, knowing he was going to be there for him if he wasn’t. He had forgotten. 

 

He reached into his pocket, pulled out the letter and ripped it open before he could change his mind.

  
  


_ Bucky, _

 

_ So much time has passed since I last saw you. 50 years to be precise. It will be another 30 until I get to see you again. I hope I can find the right words to tell you how much you still mean to me, how much you’ve always meant to me. You were the best friend anyone could have ever wished for. Maybe that’s why I never had the balls to tell you what I’ve always wanted to tell you. _

 

_ I never wanted to leave you behind. I’m sorry about that. I wish I could’ve told you how I felt sooner. I suppose there is such a thing as waiting too long. I’m sorry about that too. But you have to agree that history wasn’t exactly in our favour. Maybe in another life.  _

 

_ I want you to know that it’s not because you were not good enough. I’ve realised over time that it might have seemed that way. Please don’t hate me. I couldn’t live with myself if you did.  _

 

_ Leaving you was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. Living a life without you in it is unbearable at times. But I knew it would be easier than being by your side, knowing I can never fully have you. I don’t regret my decision but I do wish things could’ve been different for us.  _

 

_ I don’t know if you ever felt the same way. I want to imagine that you did. _

 

_ Forgive me, _

_ Steve. _

  
  


He read the letter many times. Tears were streaming down his face and Bucky didn’t try to stop them from coming. He was confused. None of this was making sense. Maybe he‘d had too much to drink and this was some sort of sick dream. There was no way in hell Steve had ever felt the same way. It was not like Bucky could ask him about it anymore though. This letter was all he had left of him.

 

Steve had added something underneath the letter with a fountain pen. The time had washed it away almost completely, leaving nothing more than a faint trace of three words.

 

_ I love you. _

 

Bucky reread them until the tears in his eyes blurred his vision. He was definitely feeling things now. He was feeling so many things. Anger, Sadness, Pain, Hope, Joy and… Love.

 

“You always were a goddamn idiot, Steve Rogers, but you have to be shitting me with this one.” He sighed. He had fucked up so bad. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Please leave a comment with your thoughts on it, it really helps with writers block.  
> I swear this is a fix it, but we had to put some more angst to it :)  
> This is a collaboration with Jamie (pvnicing on ao3) and you can find her  
> tumblr as [Klargreeves](https://klargreeves.tumblr.com/) and check out her Art Blog [Pvnic-picnic](https://pvnic-picnic.tumblr.com/)
> 
> My Tumblr: [Lokiobsessionwithasideofstucky](https://lokiobsessionwithasideofstucky.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> What do you guys think? Leave your thoughts in the comments!  
> Thank you guys for reading! Hopefully you'll enjoy it.  
> As I said before, this is a collaboration with Jamie (pvnicing on ao3) and you can find her  
> tumblr as [Klargreeves](https://klargreeves.tumblr.com/) and check out her Art Blog [pvnic-picnic](https://pvnic-picnic.tumblr.com/)
> 
> My tumblr: [Lokiobsessionwithasideofstucky](https://lokiobsessionwithasideofstucky.tumblr.com/)


End file.
